Epic FAIL

It doesn't happen often but when it does, it is really bad. I'm not talking about earaches, sick kids or tornadoes, I'm talking about a oft-prepared dish that simply goes totally awry. Last night it was a basic, very basic, bolognese.

Yesterday turned out to be a long, loooooong day. We picked up and installed the new dishwasher. The installation started oddly as the instructions are packed inside the machine but the door wouldn't open. Since there were no instructions anywhere in sight, I looked up the Maytag site and they did have .pdf copies of all necessary stuff. Turns out, unbeknownst to all but actual repair people, the door is held shut by a piece of metal underneath it that must be removed before you can get to the instructions. Uh HUH. I see. After taking the 90° brass fitting and power supply cord from the old dishwasher, Himself proceeded to wire, attach and finagle things until, at long last, the machine was installed and working fine. Then we discovered that, even after thinking of absolutely everything, the silverware drawer won't open because the dishwasher can't be flush-mounted. OK, switch drawers around, no problem.

This was a good opportunity to go through my utensil drawers and sort them out. Have the contents in two tubs and, if I don't use them within 6 months, out they all go! woowoo.

Then scrub the kitchen cabinets and floor, clean out under the fridge, haul about 7 loads of laundry up and down, monitor a trip to an emergency room 100+ miles away made by DS1 and DIL, after which time it was nigh on supper time. Digging around in the freezer brought no brainstorms, we have no prepared soup so soups and grilled cheese was out. What to do?

Ahhhhh! The old stand-by, pasta. Well, it's usually a standby.

This time it turned out SO bad words fail me. Everything went as it normally does:

• onions
• garlic
• tomato paste
• tomatoes
• herbs
• salt
• pepper
• etc etc etc*

Turned out just horrible. I don't always put wine in the sauce so that isn't the problem. The onion and garlic were fine. Herbs fresh and flavorful. Ground meat as usual, nothing odd there. That leaves the tomatoes. But what was wrong with the tomatoes?

I preserve tomatoes 3 different ways. Cook some down pretty far then bag the results to go in the freezer. This I did with the fruit we grew down on the terraces. The remaining yield is made into stewed tomatoes and chunky tomatoes, which are then pressure canned. I normally use one jar of stewed and one jar of chunky but, for no apparent reason, put two bags of the frozen in on top of the canned. The result was so bad that DS3 wouldn't eat it. It's back on the stovetop while I try to figure out some way to rescue it as I really hate wasting food. It's bland, watery and simply has no "oomph." Phooey.

That, in and of itself, was disheartening enough. Adding insult to injury was the fact that, like a moron, I used salted butter for the garlic bread and it turned out so salty it's inedible. Can't even give it to the birds.

Like I said, epic FAIL.


* Told you it was very basic.

Format changes

I am working on standardizing recipe posts to ensure continuity throughout Curmudgeon's Kitchen. The changes currently being made may not be permanent. Have been looking through numerous other food blogs and noting what works for me and what doesn't.

To speed loading of pages, I am not including lots of photos, feeds or handy-dandy gizmos. I don't know about you, but sitting waiting endlessly for pages to load annoys me.

If I make a change that helps you, please let me know. Let me know what works and what doesn't, suggestions for improving clarity are welcome.

Thank you for visiting my Kitchen. Please come back soon.

QDM

King Ranch Chicken

King Ranch recipes vary as much as individual cooks vary, from the simplest possible method to the more complex "scratch" recipes. How the dish is put together is decided, not only by the cook's level of skill, but aesthetic and "mouth-feel" preferences. There isn't much a cook can do to make it taste hideous, no matter what it looks or "feels" like. With that in mind, I have been messing round with a variety of methods and ingredients, trying to find that "ideal" combination or flavor, aroma, appearance, "feel" and ease.

A note on my preparation of the chicken: We rarely have enough chicken left over from a meal to make this dish. Even though I do prefer a combination of dark and light meat, I usually find myself using boneless chicken breasts. I don't like them much because they don't have hardly any flavor by themselves. To add a little interest to the proceedings, I use my stovetop cast iron grill and sear them well, leaving lovely stripes. A possibility would be adding cumin, chili powder, garlic, onion, whatever you think would work, to the breasts before grilling them.

The most common recipes seem to have several things in common:

• Cubed cooked chicken
• onion
• garlic
• bell pepper
• cheese, either jack or cheddar
• tomatoes
• chili powder
• chicken broth
• corn tortillas
• various kinds of cream of crap soup* (pardon for calling it that but, hey! It's nasty stuff no matter what you do with it.)

Most of those also call for sauteeing the onions, peppers and garlic in a pan using cooking spray. The next step is dumping in the cream soup stuff and the rest of the ingredients to heat, leaving out the tortillas, of course. Many call for unfried tortillas or actual tortilla snack chips out of a bag. Spray a baking pan with cooking spray, again, stick half of the tortillas or chips on the bottom, pour over half the sauce mixture, add cheese and repeat to use everything up. Bake and eat.

Now, honestly, this will work. It's fast, it's easy and, for a tired or unskilled cook, it will work just fine. The only problem, in my opinion, is that while it will taste fine, it looks weird and feels gelatinous in the mouth. I find both unappealing and blame that on the canned soup.

Unfried corn tortillas are a problem, too. They are basically raw and when used in that state become kind of slimy. They also don't cook up well and the dish will often end up tasting strongly of corn meal, which isn't really the desired outcome. I'm not even commenting much on bagged tortilla chips, except I tried them and didn't like the result in the least. They were just kind of "there," if you get my drift.** No contribution to the flavor of the dish and the consistency of the chips cooked in the mixture mentioned above was, well, gross. The outcome might have been at least acceptable if they had maintained a modicum of crispness (which is not expected of the tortillas when used) but they went flabby and tasteless. Ick.

My suggestions to detour around these difficulties involves a bit more work but, for us, that extra time is worth every minute. Here is my middle-of-the-road procedure which will feed 4 to 6 people until they're stuffed, it's neither terribly time-consuming nor extremely simple:

Sauce Preparation:

• 3 tablespoons butter or cooking oil
• 1 very large onion, coarse chop
• 1/2 cup diced jalapenos or a milder hot pepper if you have tender mouths
• 1 large green bell pepper, seeded, coarse chop
• 2 tablespoons chili powder
• 1 tablespoon cumin (change the proportion of the spices to suit yourself. We like spicy and like cumin.)
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
  
• 1 quart canned tomatoes, chunk are best but stewed will work
• (some folks like celery, mushrooms and various fresh chilis in the sauce. Go ahead and try it.)

Over low heat in a large heavy pot, heat the butter or oil. Add the onion, sweat until soft. Add the chili peppers and bell pepper and continue softening. Use your nose to tell when to add the chili and cumin, the aromas of the veg should blend, when they do, add and stir well. By the time the onion and peppers are soft, the chili and cumin will have released their aroma and flavor which infuses the vegetables. At this point, add the garlic, stirring well. Raise the heat slightly, continue to stir and add the tomatoes. Simmer to allow the combination to thicken slightly. Remove from heat.

• 3 tablespoons butter
• 3 tablespoons flour
• 1 cup chicken broth, or enough to work the roux

Combine to make a roux, oil first, flour next, stirring like mad until the floury taste is gone, slowly add the broth and stir, once again like mad, until smooth. Allow this to cool slightly, then stir your basic sauce into the vegetables.

Preheat oven to 350F.

Lightly grease a 13 x 9 inch casserole or a 3 quart casserole.

Tortilla preparation

• Frying oil, enough to float a corn tortilla
• 12 raw corn tortillas, white or yellow is your call (the yellow ones seem to hold together better than the white ones)
  

Heat oil in a heavy pan, keep depth of oil sufficient to allow the tortillas to float or they will stick to the pan bottom and rip. Fry each tortilla until it puffs, flip, fry until it puffs again. This will be just enough time to cook the tortillas but not to the point they are getting crisp. Drain on paper towels or a cotton cloth.

Assemble dish:

• 3 cups cooked chicken, cubed less than 1/2 in size
• 3 cups shredded cheese, monterey jack and cheddar are good combination (if all you have is processed cheese, use it but it won't taste as good.)

Layer 6 of the cooked tortillas in the pregreased pan. Place one half of the chicken on the tortillas, pour half of the sauce over. Add half the cheese. Repeat. Bake at 350 until browned and bubbly. This will take 35 to 40 minutes in a 13 x 9 pan, up to 2 hours in a deep casserole.

Remove from oven, let stand for up to 30 minutes for the flavor to develop and the texture to improve.



*I object, on principle, to those canned cream soups. I confess to using them every so often when pressed for time or if I'm just tired or not feeling well. They can be a godsend for inexperienced cooks who haven't learned to make a roux or white sauce but if you know how to do those simple basics, it's better to take the extra time and effort for a much better outcome.

**If you have no time, no real tortillas or are just too slothful to fry something, use the things. Even better, just don't make the recipe at all until you get something better, eh?

Skunky beer and bad food

We don't go to a lot of dinner parties or parties of any kind, truth be told. There are some places we love to go and there are some places we would avoid like the plague if it were possible.

One of our favorite outings is held every year by a good friend who gets together a mixed lot of guests, cooks jerk chicken and sides of all kinds. It's held in June in his backyard and eagerly anticipated by all who are lucky enough to be invited. His jerk is wicked good and although he gave me a list of ingredients, he doesn't measure things, and I have never quite duplicated the results he gets. Combine all that stuff, hot peppers, etc etc etc, dump all your chicken in a 5 gallon bucket, pour over the marinade. Cover and let set for 2 to 3 days in the fridge or somewhere cool. The morning of the feed, he removes the chicken from the marinade, drains it well and lets it dry. While the chicken is sitting to air dry, he strains the marinade, puts it in a canning kettle and cooks it down to use a mop. It's always great and he doesn't serve skunky beer with it!

Then there are those places that send chills up the spine of a prospective guest. It's unfortunate that so many of our relatives are bad cooks because you just can't avoid going to their places for meals. We've been tempted to get the greasy gravy overlords those funny looking strainer things with the spout on the bottom to get rid of the 2 inches of grease on the surface of the gravy. It's hard to resist putting out the grill before the chief whang leather chef turns those lovely porterhouse steaks into plastic, grey, dry and tasteless. That is if you manage to actually chew the stuff. The Thanksgiving feasts where we'd be very thankful indeed if we didn't have to eat that stuff and pretend like it tasted good. How many servings of runny mashed potatoes, over-sweet cranberry relish, dry turkey and greasy-crust pie can a person be expected to eat in one lifetime? Poker parties with mini-sausages stewing in a concoction of grape jelly and ketchup? Mercy... Cheese dips made with a whole log of processed American cheese and a couple of cans of condensed chicken gumbo soup? Darned stuff looks like dog barf and smells even worse. There have also been regrettable instances of not knowing quite what that stuff on the plate is. This is disconcerting, at best, because the person serving it is obviously quite proud of their creation and is expecting raves and requests for the recipe. If someone is foolhardy enough to request the recipe the response is likely to be: "Ah, I didn't use a recipe," chef will exclaim gaily, with a wave of the hand, "I just tossed a few things in the slow cooker." As the kid says, "fo' shizzle." The issue of skunky beer is another one of those seemingly unavoidable things. Beer in clear glass bottles that has been chilled, warmed thoroughly then rechilled? Oh, save me, please. If a guest doesn't wish to offend the host, what is the proper way to handle the stuff? Drink it gingerly? Say "thank you" but my (ulcer, head cold, sinus infection, abscessed tooth, insert your own malady) is acting up and I must abstain. If it's obvious there is nothing whatsoever wrong with a guest, I suggest watching closely for an opportunity to either pour some down a drain on a trip to the bathroom or get rid of it by pouring it into a potted plant. Of course, there is always the real possibility that the host with gleefully present you with more of the vile brew.

Having grown up in the 60s, I have some really awful food memories, many of which involve gelatin of some sort. Orange gelatin with sliced pimento-stuffed olives? Looks like eyeballs staring up at you from the bed of iceberg lettuce. Green gelatin with shredded carrots. Green gelatin with cottage cheese, for cryin' out loud! Strangely constructed dishes whose main ingredient seemed to be pork and bean and weiners. Spaghetti cooked in tomato sauce with absolutely no seasoning but salt? Then there are artificial whipped toppings. That stuff should be on the EPA's hazardous substance list. A generation raised on what is basically artificially flavored whipped shortening might appreciate the flavor and texture of real whipped cream but it's as likely they won't. (Heavy cream isn't cheap, true, so go out and collect cans or something and just try the real thing. Please?)

When we have a opportunity to go dine somewhere, without being required to bring food, and have a good meal with a decent beverage, we consider ourselves truly blessed. Shame it doesn't happen more often.

#*@&#^$&*@(#*@#&$%

Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!

Grrrrrrrr!

ROWR!

Yeah, I am totally and absolutely pissed off.

For the 6th month in a row, the taters for Gratin Jurasien will simply NOT GET DONE!

Now, dagnabit, they were thinly sliced, soaked in changes of cold water and "pre-cooked" in a saucepan. And They Are Still Not Getting Tender. Same thing with russets, reds, boilers, yellows, every tater I have tried.

This is just so awful! I have been making Julia's gratin for years and have never had this kind of problem with the potatoes until the last 6 months or so. Is it the taters? Is it me? Is it the oven?

I don't know what it is but this problem has ruined quite a few meals. It has also ruined my peace of mind, too. How can I possibly make a good gratin when the taters simply will not cook?

If someone has an idea, I would really appreciate hearing from you. Puhleeeze?

We're now a Foodie Blogroll member!

All right! Curmudgeon's Kitchen has been approved as a member of the Foodie Blogroll!

When I submitted this blog for inclusion I didn't think there was a chance it would be approved, but it has been. It's kind of strange because I have never really thought of myself as a Foodie. According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, I guess I am:

A person who has an ardent or refined interest in food; a gourmet

Or, Dictionary.com:

a person keenly interested in food, esp. in eating or cooking

DD tells me I am a "food snob," whatever that is. Does a food snob insist on real organic, when available? Buy a red bell pepper and roast it rather than getting pre-roasted ones in a jar? Avoid high fructose corn syrup, MSG, free glutamic acids and as many chemicals, additives and colorings as possible? Use butter rather than margarine? Render lard for baking rather than using hydrogenated oils like shortening? Prefer actual Parmesan reggiano to that stuff in a green can?

If so, yes, I am a food snob. I would rather go to the work of making meals from scratch, with healthy and natural ingredients, than "enjoy" the convenience of boxed, frozen or pre-prepared food. Even when I worked full time, we still managed to eat healthy. It takes work and planning but can be done.

In the past we faced the challenge of feeding 5 kids and a lot of their friends on next to nothing, financially. So, we took the best way out, we grew a huge garden. We had most everything that could be grown up here that we needed, right there in canning jars. We shoveled cow manure, we weeded, we talked to the plants (and ourselves, too) We also froze what we could, the things that didn't can well, hoping and praying for no power failures.

Many, many years ago, I couldn't boil water. My mother wanted nobody in her kitchen and I never learned the first thing about cooking. I could wash dishes like a pro but cook? No. After I married the first time, it became painfully obvious that I had to learn. Learn I have.

My journey started in the mid-80s when I borrowed a textbook from an acquaintance who was in culinary school. I was bored with insipid food, bland roasts, just tired of trying to figure out how things worked, why they worked one way but not another. Tired of bottled "cooking wine" with a level of salt close to the salinity of the Dead Sea. Tired of mixes, boxed stuff and junk. Introductory and somewhat perfunctory, it did explain a bit about the chemistry of cooking. From there, we have gone on... Julia Child, Harold McGee, Lydia Bastianich, Rick Bayless... to cold smoking, braising, roasting, sauteeing, sweating...

So, here we are, an official member of the Foodie Blogroll and I am very proud and happy to be there. And here.

"Marzetti's" Spaghetti Pie

The Joy of Cooking is one of my favorite cookbooks for everyday, simple food or what Himself calls "real food." From spiced tea to a form of cassoulet, pretty much anything you might want is there. That explains why the book is approximately the size of Gray's Anatomy. Sometimes the dishes are so simple that they are pretty bland. We found that to be the case with the spaghetti pie recipe. As written, the only herb included was a teaspoon of dried oregano and the amount of garlic was only 2 teaspoons. This to balance and enhance a pound and a half of beef, a large onion and43 ounces of tomatoes? I think not.
I started the recipe just as written but as it simmered it became more bland, developing no flavor. Taking a page from Lydia Bastianich, I added a number of flavorings and aromatics. Tasting, adding, adjusting, tasting again produced a very nicely balanced dish. The original recipe also called for a full pound of cooked pasta, but we only used 1/2 pound. Note that the herbs are dried in this version, change the amounts to your particular taste and add salt and pepper, as needed.

Here's my version of the spaghetti pie, which will serve 4 really hungry people or 8 not-so-hungry folks.

Main ingredient preparation:

• 1 pound ground beef
• 1/2 pound ground pork
• 1 large onion, coarse chop
• 3 cloves garlic, mashed or minced.

Sweat the onion in a heavy pan, using either olive oil or butter. When onion has softened but before it browns, add the meats. Break beef and pork apart with a spatula and cook just until pink. Stir in the garlic and steep until aroma is released.

• 1 28 ounce can crushed tomatoes
• 1 15 ounce can whole peeled tomatoes, quartered, juice reserved
• 1/2 cup dry red wine
• 4 tablespoons tomato paste
• 1 tablespoon oregano
• 1 tablespoon thyme
• 1 tablespoon basil
• 2 teaspoons red pepper flakes
• 1 tablespoon crushed anise seed
• 1 bay leaf

Add all the above, including half of the juice from the peeled tomatoes, to the meat combination. Stir well, bring to boil and reduce to simmer. Cover loosely, stirring and tasting occasionally. This can be simmered anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours, depending on how much time the cook has. Adjust flavorings as it cooks, adding herbs or aromatics, such as onion or garlic powder, as it cooks. Add remaining juice if the mixture begins to stick or becomes too thick.

Preheat oven to 350.

Butter a 13 x 9 inch casserole.

Assemble the dish:

• 1/2 pound small dry pasta, mini penne, rigatoni, anything you like, cooked al dente and drained
• 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar
• 1 cup shredded or sliced mozzarella

Remove meat mixture from heat, take out the bay leaf and stir in the cooked pasta and cheese. Turn the mixture into the casserole and top with:

• 1 cup bread crumbs
• 2 cups shredded sharp cheddar

Melt 2 tablespoons butter and drizzle over the topping. Bake until dish is bubbling around the edges and has browned nicely. I found that 350 didn't brown the topping to my satisfaction so I turned the oven up to 375 for about 20 minutes, which did the trick.

Remove the casserole from the oven and allow to sit a minimum of 5 minutes. Serve with crusty bread and a salad for a hearty and tasty winter meal.